Birther Control: Got Obama by his Mom's Vagina

I have studied the birther movement for nearly a couple of minutes. And i waited until the second minute to get high.
Basically, i figured it out. Everyone's missed what's actually going on! Barack Obama is an American citizen. He really is. It's way more complicated than that!! The truth is that the guy you see on the screen tri weekly, that looks just like Obama, is not Obama! It's Dick fucking Cheney!
That's right ladies and gentleman, right now the man you know and want to love, President Barack Obama, is Dick Cheney, in disguise.
That's why he won't give up the birth certificate! Cheney don't got it! When Obama was being kidnapped, last second, the guy ate his own birth certificate and was like, "YEah! Now deal with that!"
Seriously, have you noticed how skinny Cheney is now? He had to lose the weight to appropriately play the part of Barack Obama. Not surprisingly, Carl Rove has studied the art of black face tirelessly as a hobby his entire life and has been applying Mr. Cheney's daily makeup since the beginning of his mischievous third term.
Think about it! Remember how Obama was going to end the Wars, and close that terrible prison where anyone can be stored without trial, indefinitely, while likely being tortured?
Well, then Cheney took over, and bailed out the banks, kept the wars going, started more wars, pretended to start shutting the prison down, but then just kept it going anyway. And all the while he has managed to avoid that pesky certificate.
Oh wait. This just in. Obama released his birth certificate. I guess he is who he says he is.
That's too bad. I really thought he was Cheney. I guess he's just a puppet of the big money that got him elected. Just like everybody else.

Dude! I remember those problems! I remember a guy who had the solutions too. Ahh well, at least he's an American. Done. Lets start from scratch! Talk all inspiring to me with sentimental music in the background, just like you used to baby!